


Without You...

by SeiryuNoHoushi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, M/M, Other, cloning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-10 18:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiryuNoHoushi/pseuds/SeiryuNoHoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Equius can't move on from Nepeta's death at the hands of the Highblood. When a second chance presents itself, he's going to take it! Even if it DOES mean becoming Dirk's Matesprit...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Anniversary

**Author's Note:**

> Still a work in progress. I'm fairly new to the Homestuck fandom, but I'm already massively in love with Equius/Dirk. Seems like there's a lot of Kismesisitude fic between them and I wanted something a little bit sweeter. I also noticed that there's a distinct lack of OMG impossible Troll/Human couple raising wigglers/babies. I hope it's enjoyable...?

Three sweeps since the end of the game, and still he couldn’t forgive himself. He wiped at his forehead with a towel, then used it on his hands. 

He was the only noble left, but did it really matter anymore? With his own hands he had killed the subjugglator. That shouldn’t have happened. It wasn’t right. If Nepeta had only…

He slammed his fist against the table, the squeal of metal in distress only slightly satisfying. Why hadn’t she listened to him? He had gone to seek Gamzee… And she had found him first. The loss of his moirail had sent his rage over the edge and perhaps it was that sacrifice he had to thank for their success, but it wasn’t worth it.

He hadn’t stopped with Gamzee. His rage had refocused. It was his determined single-mindedness that had allowed them to defeat Noir as quickly as they did. Even then though… Nothing seemed to fill the void left inside. Maybe that was the point. He’d reached his God Tier. Maybe the Heir of Void would always be empty.

He looked down. Another unfinished soulbot to add to the scrap heap. He could make as many of them as he liked. Nepeta was not Aradia. She was no longer tied to the living. It had taken so many dream bubbles and feelings jams with her ghost before he’d been able to do anything but rage and destroy.

He could save her from dangerous roleplay, from going feral… But he couldn’t save her from the hemospectrum. The worst part was how he had believed in it for so long. He had told her that she had to listen to him, that he was above her, forced her into things she didn’t want to do. Yet… The only reason they weren’t all dead wasn’t even ON the spectrum, let alone a highblood.

Karkat Vantas… And the humans, of course… They had been led to victory by a troll with unusual bright red blood. By all accounts he was the lowest of the low on the spectrum. When the rage had subsided, he’d been left reeling. 

So many empty spaces left on the spectrum. Feferi, Eridan, Gamzee, Vriska, Nepeta, Sollux, Tavros… They had been the last of each color. And now they always would be… 

It had been his strength and rage that bought their victory, but the game had decided in the favor of the humans. So here they were on Earth, still trying to adapt. It was strange.

He ran his thumb over a picture tacked to his work area. The faces of strangers, the hearts of friends. They didn’t look like that when he stood face to face with them – a strange effect of the game. In pictures, in film, in the eyes of people who hadn’t played the game, they looked like humans. Karkat, dark hair in disarray, trying to fight Strider’s arm off him, face flushed red, olive complexion underneath. Terezi playfully sticking her tongue out in the direction of Strider’s ear, her hair appearing a deep chestnut. Kanaya, all pale skin and dark hair, her arms around Rose. Aradia bracketed between John and Rose, her smile bright and warm.

He focused his attention on the back row. Roxy drunk again, clinging to Strider The Second, an agitated look on his face. Jane and Jake with equal goofy grins. And then the one he had the hardest time swallowing. It was hard to believe that it was himself, standing there awkwardly. Still, the cracked sunglasses and build argued that it MUST be him.

There were other pictures, more recent, each equally as hard to believe. In every single one he looked uncomfortable. He shifted through a pile of paperwork to pull out the one that was his guilty pleasure. Both he and Dirk were in it. Surprisingly, they seemed to share quite a few interests.

Both of them had their hands on the head of a majestic hoofbeast. Equal grins graced their faces. That had actually… Been a good day. He hadn’t hurt anyone, he hadn’t broken anything, and he’d gotten to touch a hoofbeast.

There was a light tap on his shoulder, startling him out of his reminiscing. He turned quickly, intending to grab the intruder. From the corner of his eye he saw the vague blur of motion that could only mean a flash stepping Strider. Time or Heart? Knight or Prince? Dave or Dirk?

The writhing limbs of Lil’ Cal revealed everything. Finally, Strider slowed his movements to visibility, Lil’ Cal once again clinging to his back. The glass of milk in his hand gave more clarity to why Dirk was here.

There’d been a slow climb toward friendship between them since the day of the hoofbeast. Exchanging robots to battle, talking hoofbeast, an appreciation of each other’s eyewear. Perhaps they were even heading toward a moirallegiance. 

He drained the glass of milk without a second thought, appreciating once again that it had been sweeps since he broke a glass while trying to hold it. He still had some issues with rage and strength, but he could now handle fragile things if he put effort into it. He still couldn’t draw a bow without snapping it in half, though.  
“You know she wants you to move on, right?”

“That doesn’t make it easier. It’s my fault that she died. If I had made sure that she was safe before seeking out the highblood-“

“Then you’d be dead, too. Would you have found it in yourself to kill him if he hadn’t killed her? Do you think she would have just let him get away if it had been the other way around?”

“…No.” He admitted. “We were… Perfectly matched. She would have been just as enraged as I was.”

“Zahhak, the truth is: We couldn’t have won without you.”

Silence. There really wasn’t anything to BE said to that. 

 

\---

 

It felt good to once again be face to face with his friends, to see them as he remembered them rather than as humans saw them. And honestly, despite the fact that it was exactly three sweeps to the day from Nepeta’s death, he had to smile at the antics between Dave and Karkat. Adults they might be, but their “bromance” still had a tendency to dissolve into childish antics and yelling.

“Gog dammit, Strider! This is why I am forced to accept that we are ‘Best Bros’ and not Moirails! You actually infuriate me MORE rather than calming me!”

Terezi had her usual sharp grin on. The entire situation between the three of them was still in flux. Was Dave Karkat’s Pale quadrant? His Black quadrant? His Flushed quadrant? It seemed to waver back and forth among the three constantly. Then on top of that he was also wavering between Flushed and Black for Terezi. The topper was Terezi and Dave, somewhere between Flushed and Pale. Whatever they were, they seemed to make it work, unconventional as it might be.

Out of all the remaining trolls, it seemed that only Kanaya truly had her quadrants in control. The obvious flush between her and Rose had grown stronger with time. With Roxy’s help, Lalonde and Maryam were working on a science-based way to make a new generation for their race. Luckily, the strange blood collecting Gamzee had spiraled into with the corpses of the dead left them with the genetic materials of the dead trolls.

Speaking of Maryam’s Matesprit… Where was she? Thinking back on it… She had been absent from their last meeting as well…

As if they were all on the same wave length, John opened his mouth. “Where’s Rose?”

“Perhaps it IS time we showed you what we have managed…” Kanaya conceded. She pulled a phone out, carefully typed a text, then returned it. “She will be here momentarily.”

“Cheers.” Roxy raised her glass.

There was a thick silence as the approach of Rose’s footsteps approached, broken by a high pitched keening sound. Was that a baby crying? No… 

In his haste, the door broke as Equius slammed it open, shattering to pieces. Lalonde held something in her arms. It ALMOST looked like a baby, but not quite. After all it was… Gray.

“Oh wow. Is that a wiggler?” John questioned.

“Actually, she’s past that phase.” Rose offered. “She’s already emerged from her cocoon.”

The sounds that the little troll made turned from upset cries to… Glubbing? A closer inspection revealed the fins of a seadweller. “It’s not just any wiggler.” Karkat noted, for once quieted by awe. “It’s Feferi, isn’t it?”

“We felt that she might be the best to begin with.” Kanaya spoke up.

“And if that goes well, we might try the praplegic… Paraplegis… Para… The cripple.” Roxy gave up trying to pronounce the word in her state with a giggle.

“Nepeta…” Equius clenched his fists. “You will recreate Nepeta next.”

“We did think about that, Equius. And when we do, we would like you to act as her lusus-“ Kanaya tried to explain.

“You’re not ready yet.” Rose interjected. “Feferi and Tavros we can handle… And we were hoping that Karkat would take on Sollux.” The nub-horned former leader nodded his head in agreement.

“Vriska is mine.” Terezi demanded. 

“Are you suggesting that they are better prepared to care for a wiggler than I am?” He could feel his claws digging into the palms of his hands. “I can provide for her. I have a profession. I have a hive.”

“Oh, Equius… That’s not it.” Roxy patted him. “You’re a loose cannon without a filled quadrant.”

That was it then. Of course. “That’s not true.” The three girls simultaneously looked at the busted door in response. “I… I have a new moirail.” Equius cast a desperate glance at Dirk. Do not refuse, low blood. He silently begged.

“Bro?” Dave questioned.

“I didn’t want to say anything. I mean, what happens in the robot pile stays in the robot pile, right?” Dirk came to his rescue… And then went right on past it. “But I thought we were MORE than moirails.”

Oh… OH. Equius felt himself starting to break a sweat as Dirk put an arm around his waist. Was that why they weren’t in a moirallegiance? Were Dirk’s feelings more flushed? “Strider, are you proclaiming… Flushed… Feelings for me?”

“Should I get on one knee and ironically proclaim my desire to raise little wigglers with you?”

Everyone was staring at them. He needed a towel… He needed a glass of milk… He needed Nepeta. “I accept your offer of Matespritship.”

“Lil’ Cal gets to be the best man at our wedding.” Dirk grinned at him. Dave facepalmed.


	2. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk and Equius prepare to become proud parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tone got a little more serious on this chapter as I continued writing it, but not TOO much more. One True Pair! I ship it! <3

“You… Have my thanks.” They were alone now, a glass of milk in Equius’s hands. “I feared that you might… Misunderstand… And deny my allegations. Perhaps your suggestion of Matespritship is… More suited to the task.”

Dirk tipped his shades down to peer over them. “I was serious.”

“Serious…?” The glass fell to the floor, shattering, as Equius found himself pressed against the wall by Dirk, lips meeting lips. “Strider…”

“Dirk.”

“I… I cannot…”

“I’m not going to pretend we’re together. We either are or we aren’t”

“No… That’s not what I meant. I am… Content… To be your Matesprit. But… I would hurt you…”

Dirk smiled at that. “I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I splinter, I don’t break.”

“Very well then… I will still attempt to be… Gentle…”

The embrace was sweet and clumsy, Equius unsure what to do with his hands. “Zahhak… I can take it. Trust me.”

A slight flush of blue crept into the troll’s face as he tightened his grip on Dirk. “Tell me if I’m hurting you…” 

It was sweet and slow and not quite what Dirk wanted. It was disappointing that he would have to be patient, but he also understood. It had taken this long for Equius to realize what was going on around him. 

After the fall out with Jake, the meeting with Dave, the trolls, and the other humans, his Auto Responder had immediately gone from soliciting Jake on his behalf to making suggestive comments where Equius was concerned, even peppering it’s speech with suggestive horse puns. How the troll had ignored THAT was beyond him.

He had attempted bonding with him and it seemed to work. Yet it took a direct confession to bring what seemed obvious to light. How did he keep falling for the most oblivious guys? He could keep telling himself that Jake was the only guy in his session, but that didn’t explain Equius.

 

\---

“You said her lusus was a cat with two mouths?” Dirk questioned.

There was a newfound casual easiness between them, sitting with their hands idly intertwined. “It was. I do believe she called her… Pounce De Leon…”

“Did it look anything like this?” Strider held out a white plush cat, two mouths stitched into its face.

For a second, Equius was speechless. “Where…?”

“Who exactly do you think makes all those smuppets?” He pushed his shades up his nose. “We’re in this together… So I wanted to give her something.”

“Strider… You are an exceptional Matesprit. I don’t deserve you.”

“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Dirk?” 

“…Dirk… Are you truly alright with helping me raise a young troll?”

“Hey. According to Dave, I raised him. I think I did a decent job.” He gave Equius’s hand a squeeze. “So… When does our little girl come home?”

 

\---

 

The wait was painful, but Equius spent it preparing. Moving in together was a big step, the initial clash of their hobbies resulting in confusion. Smuppets met Musclebeasts and somehow clicked together, only to be stored away deep in the attic.

“We… Can’t display such things anymore.” Equius wiped his face, one last look into the attic before sealing it. “It would be… Improper.”

“I can see it now. ‘Daddy Dirk, why are those two puppets-‘” Dirk was silenced by a finger to his lips.

“We won’t speak of them… Or of my… Ah… Artwork.” 

“Tell me more about her.” It wasn’t a feigned interest, though at first it had just been an excuse for a confession of his feelings. The more he learned of Nepeta Leijon, the more he felt that this was right. She and Equius were meant to be part of his life.

“She was a fierce warrior… Brave… Kind… Devoted… When she died… I became more than the Hero of Void… I WAS a void. Without her love… I made myself unlovable.” It was amazing how just talking about her calmed him. The power of pale love was an extraordinary thing. “It felt like the highblood destroyed my heart.”

In a way, Dirk supposed that was exactly the truth. But it would never happen again. Even if he had to splinter himself into a thousand pieces just to see that broken smile, he would do it without a second thought. She was your heart and now you’ve taken mine…

 

\---

 

With living arrangements settled and embarrassing obsessions safely stowed, the nursery seemed to simply fall into place. Kittens frolicking on the walls, table and tea set awaiting her to grow into them. The plush Pounce held pride of place, watching over the crib. 

The finishing touch to the nursery came from Terezi and Dave. Dirk had watched, astonished at his brother’s talent for drawing things OTHER than Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. “It’s her shipping wall.” Terezi offered. She put her hand over the largest of the pictures Dave had drawn. “She didn’t think anybody would find the one she drew on the meteor… But I did…” She sniffed the wall, taking in what Dave had made. “Good job, Cool Kid. I think it’s safe to say… This is going to be her new favorite pair.” She removed her hand, putting the arm around Dave.

Dirk and Equius both reached out to touch the drawing at the same time, their fingers overlapping. Equius’s palm rested on the picture of Dirk, Dirk’s on the picture of Equius. “One True Pair. I ship it.” Dirk cracked a smile.

Dave groaned and rolled his eyes. “I’m out of here.”


	3. Splintering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like the story is just about over! There may be one more chapter and an epilogue.

“Equius. We need to talk.” Rose waited in the doorway.

He left his work where it was sitting. It had only been something to keep his hands busy anyways. “What is it, Lalonde? Is Nepeta-“

“She’s doing fine. In fact, she’s passed the trials we’ve set to strengthen them… That’s not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about your expectations. She won’t be the girl you grew up with, you know that right?”

“ I understand that.”

“This Nepeta will have some of her… But she will also be influenced by yourself… And Dirk.”

“I know how selfish this is. I let her down once… I just want a chance to make it up to her. I need to protect her.”

“And Dirk?”

He removed his sunglasses, revealing the dark bruise-like shadows under his eyes. Had he ever done that before? She couldn’t recall. His eyes were a deep royal blue. “ Every day I grow to regret things that I once held dear even more. There was a time when I would have sneered at him as soon as I saw him bleed. I would have considered myself high above him. He is a much better person than I am. He is making great sacrifices for me, and all I do is let him. But I need her.”

There was a deep silence between them for a minute. “There was one other thing…” She hesitated. “Kanaya and I have been debating about this… Gamzee and Eridan-“

“No. “ His glasses splintered to pieces in his own grip. “Even I am too close to the top of the spectrum. We are dangerous. It was not a string of events that led Ampora and Makara down that path. It was always in their very nature as Highbloods. Blindly, I believed that was as it should be. I would have gladly killed for them. You were there. Do remember what I did to the Subjugglator?”

She tried to erase the picture from her mind again, the splatters of indigo. “I remember that you forced the horn down his throat…”

“I broke him to pieces, but kept him alive. I made him choke on that ridiculous horn. I still don’t know if Vantas has forgiven my cruelty. That is the nature of my “noble” blood. It is the nature of all noble blood. Peixes is the exception, not the rule.” 

There was a pause as he tried to regain some composure. It was hard with his glasses broken into a thousand shards. “If I may ask a favor…” He dropped the remaining pieces, looking to the floor. “Please refrain from telling Dirk about the Highblood.”

 

\---

 

“They finally fell apart, huh?” Dirk questioned.

“What?” After a few hours getting used to seeing things without a curtain of darkness, he truly didn’t know what his Matesprit was referring to.

“Your shades.”

“Ah… Yes… I’ll have to get them replaced, of course. My vision is adequate for most things, but they were corrective.” He rubbed gently at his forehead. “Aurthour gave me that pair…”

“Equius, are you alright?”

“Why are you here, Dirk? What could I possibly have to offer you? You have been nothing but kind and patient with me.”

“I need you to keep my shit together when I can’t keep from destroying myself.”

“I don’t understand…”

Dirk closed the distance between them. “I wasn’t joking when I said I splinter. Every person that I’ve cared about until now, I’ve lost a piece of myself to. Jake… Jane… Roxy… Dave… But not you. And it scares me sometimes, knowing that I’m not breaking myself over you. Sometimes I wonder if I really feel what I think I feel. I’m so used to being a million things and places at once that when I’m pulled together, I don’t know how to act. All I know is that you do this to me. And I don’t miss being in pieces.”


	4. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about how short these last two chapters have been! I am writing an epilogue, though.

Dirk watched how completely pacified Equius was holding her. Yeah. This was definitely how it was supposed to be. He leaned in and brushed her face with his palm. One of her tiny hands curled around his finger and his heart melted. Best. Decision. Ever.

“It would appear she likes you.” It wasn’t often that the last highblood smiled- perhaps it had something to do with how often he was missing at least one tooth- but he did so now.

“Don’t worry… Daddy Dirk won’t ever let anything happen to you…”

“I get rooftop strifing and puppet ass and she gets ‘I’ll protect you forever! Have a plush kitten!’” Dave shook his head. 

“Oh, Uncle Dave is jealous because I made him a badass Knight and he has to thank me.” Dirk held his arms out. “Can I hold her?”

There was a great amount of tenderness in the way Equius set her in Dirk’s arms. Just watching her in someone else’s arms he was breaking out in a light nervous sweat. Hopefully, he’d get past that.

“Bro. There is nothing about puppet ass that made me what I am. Sorry to tell you that.”

“Strider, please watch your language.” Equius interrupted. “It is unbecoming. I believe I have mentioned this to you before. Please make extra effort to refrain in the presence of Nepeta.”

 

\---

 

“Karkat… I think she wants you…” Dirk kept a firm hold on Nepeta even as she strained against him. 

“What the hell? What is with wrigglers and their obsession with crawling all over me!” Karkat took a step away, then gritted his teeth as she started crying. “Fine. Give her here.” Gingerly, he took hold of the squirming cat girl.

“It would seem in some ways, she will always be exactly the same.” Equius commented, watching as Nepeta grabbed hold of Karkat’s cheeks, forcing him to make strange, contorted rage faces and cooing at him.

“N-Nepeta no. Aagh! I said no. Stop it!” The more he struggled , the more she giggled.

Equius came to his rescue, sweeping her out of his arms. “Shhh…” He gently touched her forehead.


	5. Epilogue

“I think Lil’ Cal wants some more tea.” Dirk said with the most serious face.

“Nyaaa. You have to save some fur everyone else, Lil’ Cal!” Nepeta wore one of the lacey dresses Kanaya had made her specifically for hosting tea parties. “Lil’ Sebastian, do you want more?” The robotic rabbit fidgeted in his seat and she took that for a yes.

“The other guests should be arriving shortly.” Equius had declined to join them this time in favor of setting up the party with the help of Jane. “…Feferi has just arrived.”

The blur of motion that followed still took some getting used to. There had been a small argument when Dirk insisted on teaching her to flash step almost as soon as she could walk, but eventually Equius had caved. Now arguing about it seemed silly – she was perfectly safe.

“Want some tea?” Dirk offered.

Carefully – and with much effort- Equius took a seat at the small tea table. “Thank you.”

“Five years old… Sometimes I have to stop and wonder if we’re doing this right. Then I see her smiling and I know we are.” Dirk glanced at the shipping wall. “Have you seen this?” He pointed to a new crayon drawing added on to Dave’s original set.

“Ah..” Equius examined it. A decent likeness of Sollux and Feferi was rendered with a heart. “Yes… I’ve suspected this as well. They were matesprits for a short time before the incident with Ampora…”

“She’s going to have to start school next year. You ready for that?”

“I’ll have to be.”

“Equius… Human kids are mean… And the whole cat thing… And the two dads… She might get a lot of flak for that…”

“I am not concerned about that. Nepeta is more than capable of holding her own. We should be more concerned for the safety of children that choose to antagonize her.”

Dirk smirked at that. “Yeah. She’s a Strider now. What am I worried about?” He gave the blue blood’s hand a squeeze. “Crocker make a cake?”

“Of course. She can’t resist that sort of thing.”

With some effort, they both got out of the tiny chairs, Lil’ Seb following suit, running wildly in front of them. Cal fell forward, his unsettling grin almost seeming wider than normal. Behind where he had been sitting was the large shipping grid of Dirk and Equius Dave had drawn. Scrawled in childish handwriting underneath, two words were revealed, exaggerated for emphasis. “Oooh Yeeeees!”


End file.
